Returning Home. Restoring Home.

For me, home is different places. For me, home is San Clemente, California. For me, home is Phoenix, Arizona. For me, home brings different things.

My first home has scars and when I come back I sometimes tend to feel as though those wounds are being reopened. I find myself beginning to feel old feelings and old insecurities. I find myself in my childhood room seeing nothing but my old insecure self as I look in the mirror. It is here in my first home that I felt most seen and most invisible. It was here that I felt most happy and most miserable. Instagram's and snapchats of all the highlights but there is no social media site to see what I tried so hard to hide. Here in my first home, there were times where I felt so alone. Here in my first home, I was blinded by the lies I was believing that when the truth was spoken it sounded like a lie. It was here that I was confused and broken. It was here that I was hurt and wounded.

But it was here that my eyes were opened. It was here that I experienced Jesus for the first time. It was here that I finally saw what community looked like. It was here that I felt most loved. Here where I felt so strong. It was here where I had overcome these lies that tried to ruin my past. Here where I faced my fears.

Here where the love of God met me.

In all honestly, I never loved coming back to my first home. There were people I missed and people I loved, yet, my lies lived here and my insecurities reigned here.

My second home is new and fresh. My second home seemed to be the best. Better than the first and that I seemed to be so sure. My second home brought freedom. My second home brought rest from all the lies I had believe. And yet, my second home had still seemed so lonely. I had found myself longing for my first home. My, at the time, only home. Longing for the comfort, longing for the security. Longing for friends who fully knew me. As I searched and long for my home, I missed all that was actually around me. First semester ended and second semester came, and boy, I had no idea all that the Lord had in mind. Months of prayer for friends like mine at home. Months of prayer to finally have this place feel like home. With second semester came my second home. Prayers answered... hope restored. I felt known like never before. I now had a new home. Basking in the promises and blessing of the Lord those fears from my first home came and began arose. Those lies came to me like a surprise I didn’t expect to see. And now here I was in my second home not knowing if I wanted to go back to my first.

The days came closer and though I was excited to see those I missed I was scared to face the lies I tried so hard to dismiss.

From one home to another in a matter of 50 minutes. Here I was in the place where I expect the lies to meet me. Here I was in the room I expected to haunt me. The start was rocky but two days in I felt nothing but happy. I had seen those I loved and I had stepped into places that had hurt me.

As I looked around in anticipation for the feeling to leave me the Lord sweetly reminded me, that who I am does not revolve around who is around me. Who I am is ONLY what He tells me. I am who HE says I AM.

San Clemente is where the Lord shaped me… and shaping hurts. Shaping chips away at something until it is finished. The Lord uses places, people, and circumstances to shape us to inorder to become more like Him.

For me, I held onto bitterness towards all the things that shaped me. I held onto insecurities when I should have held on to identity.

The Lord restored San Clemente for me. The Lord restored Phoenix for me.

So often we allow the things around us to affect us. I know that is easier said than done. Trust me I spent almost 10 years allowing these things to harm my reality. I allowed myself to go on the roller coaster of bitterness and anger. My heart would be light somedays and cloudy others. I would shut down and open up. I would live full or not enough. Insecurity was a master and I was playing its game. I was never fulfilled and I was never satisfied.

I put my value in my surroundings when my valued laid in His love. I was already clean and yet I felt dirty. I was already and free and yet I felt chained down. But it took a week of trust to restore 10 years of lies. The Lord’s faithfulness is way too good to see otherwise.

Your worth is not based on the people at your school or the place you were raised. It is not based on your weight or how many friends you have. Your worth is not in your grades or what kind of money you make. Your worth isn’t in this world, so don’t go looking for it here. You can try and seek, but you will never find.

Your worth is in the Lord and He longs for you to see it more. You are valued by Him and loved Him. He gives you purpose in your place. Wherever you find yourself at in life.

Maybe you’re where I was a few months ago, feeling like you don’t belong. Feeling like the opinions of other are screaming louder than your very own thoughts. Or maybe you are simply just waiting for this season of your life to move on already and to get on with it.

But I am here to tell you that where you are, right here, right now, that is where God has you. And that is not to say that it won’t change because chances are it probably will. But here in this moment, in this season, your place is where you are to live out your purpose. Your place is NOT your worth or value. Your place is your current home, and it should be valued.

The saying “You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone” could not be more true.

My challenge to you is to not let it be true. Start valuing your place now. While you have it, while it's present. Maybe you have two homes, maybe you have one. Either way, you have a purpose in your place and you have your worth in Jesus.

I love Phoenix, Arizona. I love that I have made new friends I never thought I'd know. I love that I have been pushed to do things I never thought I'd do. I love the people and I love GCU. I love the pride and I love all the mountaintop views. I love my church and those I serve with. I love my second home and I love my lopes.

But I am in love with San Clemente, California. I love that I have lived here for 15 years. I love that this city built me and raised me. I love my Shoreline family and serving on Sundays. I love the countless memories of beach days and bonfire nights. I love the sunsets and Pedro’s tacos. I love my Tritons and I love my cheerleaders. I love Del Mar and I love the beach. I love Bear Coast and Taco Tuesdays. I love my family and I love my friends. I love my town and that love will never end.

Enjoy where you are at. Embrace your present no matter the past. Let the love of God restore all things and don’t take for granted, anything.

I love you all more than you will ever know.

All my love,

Sarah